ON A SHORT ATTENTION SP--

A short attention span walked into bar and the bartender said, "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
And the short attention span replied, "Where's the light I'm supposed to change?"
"Sorry," said the bartender, "but we're out of beer.  Can I get you something else?"
"Thanks," said the short attention span and it left.

"Knock.  Knock."

"Who's there?"

"I forgot."

"I forgot who?"

"No, I really forgot."

"Cross the road to see whether you remember on the other side."

"Why did the short attention span cross the road?"

"I don't know."

"To get to a bar on the other side to change a light bulb."

"How many short attention spans does it take to change a light bulb?"

"How many?"

"Two bottles of beer."

"Knock.  Knock."

"Who's there?"

"Short attention span."

"Short attention span who?"

"Short attention span.  That's it."

"Sorry?  Did you say something?"

ON EXIT

Exit lived in Rome from 149 BC until 92 BC.  Not much is known about his life other than his mother was a woman and his father was a man.

Exit, whose writings influenced William Shakespeare, once wrote:

"To leave,

Or not to leave?

That is the question.

Whether 'tis nobler  

To suffer the bings 

And bangs of boredom,

Or take action and leave

 Ennui in the Sea of Apathy . . ."

"Why did Exit cross the road?"

"He was following a chicken?"

"No, to leave on the other side."

"How many Exits does it take to change a light bulb?"

"I don't know."

"Just one, but make sure Exit changes the light bulb before he leaves."

"Knock. Knock."

"Who's there?"

"Exit."

"Exit who?"

(This joke ended because Exit left.)

Exit walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Why do you bother coming in here?  You order a drink, but leave while I'm making it."

And Exit said, "Okay, this time I won't order.  Duty calls.  Goodbye."

In Rome about 93 BC, a year before he made his final departure, Exit and his friends were at a toga party.  Exit's friends accused him of having delusions of grandeur after he said, "One day, my name will be everywhere."

ON DREAMS

"Why did the dream cross the road?"
"I don't know."
"To come true on the other side." 



Does money dream of having lots of people?


"How many dreams does it take to change a light bulb?"
"I don't know."
"Just one, but the light bulb will forget being changed."



"I dream of the day when I can go more places than up and down," said the elevator.



Do bicycles dream to be free from their chains?



A mountain woke up from a dream about being a molehill and thought, "No big deal."



Do puzzles understand their dreams?



Does Death ever dream it lived?



A dream walked in to a bar and the bartender said, "I know you from somewhere."
And the dream said, "Yeah, you had me last night."
"So I did," said the bartender.  "Am I still dreaming?"
And the dream said, "I hope you're rowing your boat gently."

ON GETTING OLD

You know you're getting old when reading makes you out of breath.

You know you're getting old when you need to use a walker while having sex.



You know you're getting old when famous people are old enough to be your children.



You know you're getting old when going to the bathroom gives more pleasure than having sex.



"How many old people does it take to change a light bulb?"
"I don't know."
"Just one, but he or she may forget how to do it."



You know you're getting old when you have more wrinkles than hair.



"Why did the old man cross the road?"
"I don't know."
"To forget where he was going on the other side."



You know you're getting old when your parents are older than 347 years.

"Knock Knock"

"Who's there?"

"Old Age."

"Old Age who?"

"Don't worry, you'll find out soon enough."

ON DAYS

"Knock Knock"

"Who's there?

"Day."

"Day who?"

"Day Thurs--or something like that."

"Why did the day cross the road?"

"I don't know.  Why?"

"To be everywhere.  Days have to be everywhere for the world to work."

"How many days does it take to change a light bulb?"

"I don't know."

"Just one day, but even that is too long.  A light bulb can be changed in less than 5 minutes."

JUMP!  JUMP!  JUMP!  JUMP!  JUMP!  JUMP!

"What's that jumping all over the place?"

"Oh, that's Leap Day."

SWOOSH!

"What was that?"

"That was a day."

"Gee, they go by fast." 

A day walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Weren't you here already?"

And the day said, "Yes, I'm here all day."

"What will it be?" asked the bartender.

And the day said, "I'll have a Good Evening, please."

"I'm sorry," said the bartender, "but we're out of Good Evenings.  We have lots of Good Nights."

"Okay," said the day, "I'll have a Good night."

ON JOKES

A joke walked into a bar, and the bartender started laughing and laughing.



"Why did the joke cross the road?"
"I don't know."
"Because a chicken was telling it."
"Oh yeah?  What was the joke about?"
"I'm not sure since I am just learning chicken, but it had something to do with prostitutes laying eggs."



"How many jokes does it take to change a light bulb?"
"I don't know.  How many?"
"Six hundred and forty-seven."
"What?  Six hundred and forty-seven jokes to change a light bulb?" 
"Yeah, 647 jokes to change a light bulb."
"Why so many?"
"The jokes are in the union."



A joke has a black eye.
"What happened to you?" asked another joke.
And the joke replied, "My punchline lost control."

"Knock Knock"

"Who's there?"

"Joke."

"Joke who?"

"I would hope that you wouldn't want to joke anyone."

The bartender was still laughing.  The joke was not impressed.  Not only has the bartender peed his pants, but his ass fell off.  

"I'm not that funny!" said the joke.

But the bartender kept laughing, and died laughing right there in the bar.  The bartender was deader than Dracula getting a suntan.

The joke left, but later complained to The Bar Association (TBA) about the bartender's behavior and poor service.  TBA fined the bartender, and ordered him never to die laughing again. 

ON SECRETS

"Why did the secret cross the road?"
"I don't know."
"Neither do I.  It's a secret."



"How many secrets does it take to change a light bulb?"
"I suppose that's a secret, too?"
"Yeah, how did you know?"
"It's a secret."



A secret walked into a bar and the bartender said, "What will it be?"
The secret said, "I'll have a beer, please, but don't tell anyone."
"Why?" asked the bartender.
"Because," said the secret, "for all we know the beer could be underage." 



Does Victoria Secret come from a Family of Secrets?



Do secrets keep secrets from each other?



Do missionaries prefer the Top Secret?



How can James Bond be a secret agent when everyone knows who he is?



"Don't tell anyone that I told you not to tell anyone."