It's All About Loneliness

Loneliness walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Thanks for showing up!  People were starting to drink less."



"Why did the grass cross the road?"
"I don't know."
"To be greener on the other side."
"But I thought this blog was about loneliness."
"Oh yeah, I forgot.  Okay, why did loneliness cross the road?"
"Why?"
"It loved being on grass."

Does Solitude every get lonely?

Do some people make you wish you were lonely?

"Knock.  Knock."

"Who's there?"

"Loneliness."

"Go away.  This is not a bar."

It's All About Junk Mail

"Why did Junk Mail cross the road?"
"Why?"
"To litter on the other side."



"How much junk mail does it take to change a light bulb?"
"How much?"
"A lot, but the junk mail has to be URGENT! and opened right away so it can change the bulb before the offer expires."



Junk Mail walked into a bar and the bartender said, "What will it be?"
And Junk Mail said, "I don't want anything.  Can I offer you a tip that will save you lots and lots of money?"
"Sure," said the bartender.
And Junk Mail said, "Never spend any money."

"Knock.  Knock."

"Who's there?"

"Junk Mail."

"Sorry, we don't want any."

Junk Mail walked into a library and the librarian asked, "Can I help you?"

"Yes," said Junk Mail, "I'm looking for a book about the health benefits of junk food."

"I'm sorry," said the librarian after checking, "but we don't have a book about the health benefits of junk food."

"That's okay," said Junk Mail, "I can't read."

"What can never be seen?"

"What?"

"Junk mail that is invisible."

"What's the difference between junk mail and junk food."

"I don't know."

"You must have some interesting meals."

It's All About 2017

2017 walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Get out!  You're too early.  Come back at midnight."



"Why did 2017 cross the road?"
"Why?"
"To meet January First for a date."



"How many 2017s does it take to change a light bulb?"
"How many?"
"One.  There is only one 2017, but it does not change light bulbs.  2017 will change you.  By the time 2017 is done, you will be older and wiser -- well perhaps just older."



2017 is on the couch in a psychiatrist's office.  It says to the psychiatrist, "Doc, I want to write my memoirs but I have no memories."
And the psychiatrist says, "Give it time."



Poor Eternity!  It's impossible for it to celebrate New Years.



2016 says to 2017, "Good Luck!  I hope you do better than I did."

"Knock.  Knock."

"Who's there?"

"Happy."

"Happy who?"

"Happy 2017!"

It's All About Rocks

"Why did the rock cross the road?"
"Why?"
"One chicken threw it at another?"
"Why would one chicken throw a rock at another?"
"I dunno.  Angry birds?"

"Knock.  Knock."

"Who's there?"

"Rock."

"Rock who?"

"Rock Hudson."

"How can that be?  You're dead."

"Oh yeah, sorry I forgot."

How does a rock behave when it's stoned?

A rock walked into a bar and the bartender said, "What will it be?"

And the rock said, "I'll have a mineral water on the rocks, please."

"That's it?" said a man sitting next to the rock. "That's the punchline?"

"Yes," said the rock.

"I don't think that's a funny punchline," said the man.

And the bartender said to the man, "Have a few more drinks."

"How many rocks does it take to change a light bulb?"

"How many?"

"Two.  One rock to change the bulb, and the other rock to go to a movie."

"Uh?  Go to a movie?  The joke doesn't make sense."

"Yes, and it doesn't make any dollars either.  Have a few more drinks."

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"

"To get to the other side?"

"No.  A rock threw the chicken at another rock."

"Why would a rock throw a chicken at another rock?"

"I dunno.  Rock rage?"

Were the Rolling Stones once rocks?

"Okay," said the chicken to the rock, "let's end it now. I promise not to throw any rocks at chickens if you promise not to throw any chickens at rocks."

"Agreed," said the rock.

It's All About X

And the dog owner yelled at X, "Stop marking my Spot!"



X walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Are you sure you want to stay?  A lot of mathematicians are looking for you."
"I know," said X.  "I'll have an algebraic equation, please."
The bartender brought X an algebraic equation.  X solved it and left.



"Why did X cross the road?"
"Why?"
"To solve a chicken on the other side."

"Knock.  Knock"

"Who's there?"

"X."

"X who?"

"Solve the equation and find out."

"How many Xs does it take to change a light bulb?"

"How many?"

"It depends.  X is variable.  Sometimes it's 3x + 4, and sometimes it's 29(x - 42)."  

An affirmation for X:  I deserve the very best equations.

Fortune teller to X:  "You will meet a Y in a future equation.  There will be lots of plus and minuses in your life.  You will do okay if you keep your life balanced on both sides of the equal sign."

If X falls into a river and there's no water, then does X still equal dry?

5x - 7x + 2x = 7

Let's solve the equation step-by-step.

5x−7x+2x=7

Step 1: Simplify both sides of the equation.

5x−7x+2x=7

Simplify: 

5x+−7x+2x=7

(5x+−7x+2x)=7

0=7

0=7 ?

---

Answer:  There are no solutions.

On Christmas

Christmas walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What will it be?"
And Christmas says, "I'll have some cheer, please."
The bartender serves Christmas some cheer.  Christmas drinks it and is about to pay.
"No," says the bartender, "don't pay me.  It's Compliments of the Season."



"Why did Christmas cross the road?"
"Why?"
"Because it was December 26."



"How many Christmases does it take to light a change bulb?"
"Don't you mean change a light bulb?"
"No, it's the holidays and anything goes."
"Okay, how many Christmases does it take to light a change bulb?"
"Seven million."
"Seven million?"
"Seven million.  It's a silly question, so it gets a silly answer."



Who is Merry Christmas, and why is everyone repeating her name?



Christmas walks into a bar and the bartender says,"Oh my God!  You're white!"
"Relax," says Christmas, "it's just a dream."



"Can you show me how to light a change bulb?" asked one Christmas to another.
"Yes," said the other Christmas, "but let's wait until there are 7 million of us to make my lesson worth teaching."



Christmas walks into a bar and the bartender says,"What?  Am I still dreaming?"
"No," says Christmas, "you're a bartender."

"Knock.  Knock."

"Who's there?"

"Christmas."

"Christmas?  Back again already?  It seems like only a year since you were here last."

ON THOUGHT

A thought walked into a bar and the bartender said, "There you are!  I had you this morning and then you disappeared."

And the thought got up and started to leave.

"Wait a minute," said the bartender.  "Where are you going."

"Sorry," said the thought as it walked away, "but you're gonna have to write me down if you want me to stay."

"How many thoughts does it take to change a light bulb?"

"I don't know."

"None.  Thoughts don't change light bulbs.  Action changes light bulbs."

"Why did the thought cross the road?"

"Why?"

"I forgot.  I should have written the punchline down when I thought about it."

"Knock.  Knock"

"Who's there?

"Thought."

"Thought who?"

"Thought you would ask that after I knocked."

Do pigs have fat thoughts?

Some people make you wonder whether their thoughts originate in their brains, or other parts of their bodies.

What does it mean if you smell rubber burning when you're thinking?

Does Death have thoughts about the meaning of life?

Do fish have deep thoughts?

Does Life have thoughts about the meaning of death?

"How do you end a blog on thought?"

"Why do you want to end it?"

"I'm getting sick from the smell of burning rubber."