On Christmas

Christmas walks into a bar and the bartender says, "What will it be?"
And Christmas says, "I'll have some cheer, please."
The bartender serves Christmas some cheer.  Christmas drinks it and is about to pay.
"No," says the bartender, "don't pay me.  It's Compliments of the Season."



"Why did Christmas cross the road?"
"Why?"
"Because it was December 26."



"How many Christmases does it take to light a change bulb?"
"Don't you mean change a light bulb?"
"No, it's the holidays and anything goes."
"Okay, how many Christmases does it take to light a change bulb?"
"Seven million."
"Seven million?"
"Seven million.  It's a silly question, so it gets a silly answer."



Who is Merry Christmas, and why is everyone repeating her name?



Christmas walks into a bar and the bartender says,"Oh my God!  You're white!"
"Relax," says Christmas, "it's just a dream."



"Can you show me how to light a change bulb?" asked one Christmas to another.
"Yes," said the other Christmas, "but let's wait until there are 7 million of us to make my lesson worth teaching."



Christmas walks into a bar and the bartender says,"What?  Am I still dreaming?"
"No," says Christmas, "you're a bartender."

"Knock.  Knock."

"Who's there?"

"Christmas."

"Christmas?  Back again already?  It seems like only a year since you were here last."

ON THOUGHT

A thought walked into a bar and the bartender said, "There you are!  I had you this morning and then you disappeared."

And the thought got up and started to leave.

"Wait a minute," said the bartender.  "Where are you going."

"Sorry," said the thought as it walked away, "but you're gonna have to write me down if you want me to stay."

"How many thoughts does it take to change a light bulb?"

"I don't know."

"None.  Thoughts don't change light bulbs.  Action changes light bulbs."

"Why did the thought cross the road?"

"Why?"

"I forgot.  I should have written the punchline down when I thought about it."

"Knock.  Knock"

"Who's there?

"Thought."

"Thought who?"

"Thought you would ask that after I knocked."

Do pigs have fat thoughts?

Some people make you wonder whether their thoughts originate in their brains, or other parts of their bodies.

What does it mean if you smell rubber burning when you're thinking?

Does Death have thoughts about the meaning of life?

Do fish have deep thoughts?

Does Life have thoughts about the meaning of death?

"How do you end a blog on thought?"

"Why do you want to end it?"

"I'm getting sick from the smell of burning rubber."

STUPID PIZZA JOKES

Aren't you glad that pizzas don't taste the way they look?



"I'll have a pizza with pepperoni, mushrooms, green peppers, onions, tomatoes and ants, please."
"Ants?"
"Yes, ants.  The pizza is for a picnic.  With all the cutbacks, people have to bring their own ants.  



One day scientists will discover that the Moon is only a large pizza with no toppings.



When will someone invent a pizza that delivers itself?



"How come you always get to be on top?" said the pizza dough to the cheese.



Do pizzas ever get cheesed off?



"Do you know how pizza's change light bulbs?"
"How?"
"Very carefully because pizzas have no hands."



"Why did the pizza cross the road?"
"I don't know."
"It was cheesed off with a funny bone technician, and wanted to get away from his blog."

ON BAD WEATHER

Snow went into a bar and the bartender said, "What will it be, drifter?"
And the snow said, "How did you know that I was a drifter?"
And the bartender replied, "It was the way you blew in."

Do snowstorms ever catch colds?

"How many light bulbs does it take to change the weather?"

"How many?"

"None.  The weather changes itself."

ON NUMBERS

Do numbers count on each other?

"Why did zero cross the road?"

"I don't know.  Why?"

"To go nowhere."

How come zero is something when it comes to the weather, but nothing when it comes to a bank account?

"How many light bulbs does it take to change a number?"

"How many?"

"One, but the bulb has to be able to count."

Number 1 walked into a bar and the bartender said, "What will it be?"

And Number 1 said, "I'll have a zero, please."

The bartender served Number 1 a zero.  Number 1 drank it and said, "Ahhh, that's good!  Now I feel like a ten."

"Knock.  Knock."

"Who's there?"

"Eight."

"Eight who?"

"I didn't eat anyone."

"What happened when Number 3 gained weight?"

"What?"

"It became Number 8."

How come my feet aren't 12 inches?

"I have nothing more to say," said zero.

ON LIMITS

"Why did the limit cross the road?"
"I don't know."
"Neither did the limit."



"How many limits does it take to change a light bulb?"
"How many?"
"Two.  One limit to change the bulb, and the other to limit the laughter to this joke."



Two limits are looking up at the sky when one limit says to the other, "I don't see how it's THE one."

"Knock.  Knock"

"Who's there?"

"Speed."

"Speed who?"

"Speed Limit."

"That's not funny."

"The humor went by too fast for you?"

"What did one limit say to the other limit?"

"Were they still looking at the sky?"

"No."

"I don't know.  What did one limit say to the other limit?"

"It said, 'Watch what you say.  Our conversation is in a blog.' "

A limit walked into a bar and the bartender announced, "That's the limit."

ON STREETS

"Why did the street cross the road?"
"Why?"
"Because it thought it was a chicken."



A street walked into a psychiatrist's office.
"What's the problem?" asked the psychiatrist.
"I think that I'm a chicken," said the street.
"Really?" said the psychiatrist.  "What makes you think that?"
And the street said, "Every morning, Old MacDonald comes by and takes my eggs."



"How many streets does it take to change a light bulb?"
"How many?"
"Two.  One to change the bulb and the other to watch."
"Wait a minute.  Why does the other street need to watch?"
"I don't know.  If I could think of a funny reason, then I'd tell you."



Is it okay for same-sex streets to meet at an intersection?




A street walked into a bar and the bartender said, "What will it be?"
The street started clucking like a chicken.
"Whoa!" said the bartender.  "I can't understand you if you talk like a chicken."
"Sorry," said the street, "but I just crossed the road to come here."
"What will it be?"
"I'll have a beer, please." said the street.
"Sure," said the bartender and he served the street a beer.
"Will that be all?" asked the bartender after the street finished the beer.
And the street said, "Can I have one for the road?"