It's All About Holes

A hole walked into a bar and the bartender said, "What will it be?"
The hole said, "Can I have an ass, please?  I feel incomplete without one."



"Why did the hole cross from this side of the road to the other side?
"I don't know."
"Because it was repaired on this side."



"How many holes does it take to change a light bulb?"
"How many?"
"None.  Holes love the dark." 



"Why are you so happy?" asked one friend to another.
"Because," said the other friend, "I was walking down the street when I saw a hole in the ground.  I thought, 'I know the difference!' "

"Knock.  Knock,"

"Who's there?"

"Black."

"Black who?"

"Black Hole.  I'm canvassing the area because I've misplaced my gravity. Have you seen my gravity?"

"No, but if I do then I'll be sure to drop it off."

Is there a way to tell when a hole is depressed?

. . . So the bartender brought the hole an ass.

"Thank you!  Thank you!" said the hole.

And the bartender asked, "What smells?"

"This blog," said the hole.

Top Ten Excuses For The Gap Between Blogs

The last blog was on January 19th.  Here are the top ten reasons for the gap between it and this blog:

10 - The dog ate my Internet.

9 - My computer eloped with my smart phone.

8 - I couldn't find a pencil and paper.

7 - I was eaten by cannibals, but they barfed.

6 - I joined a cult, rested in bed and drank plenty of fluids and the cult went away.

5 - My uncle died for the third time.

4 - January 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28 and 29 were religious holidays.

3 - I had the swine flu and the bird flu and discovered that pigs can fly.

2 - I washed my brain and couldn't do a thing with it.

And the Number 1 excuse for the gap between the last blog and this blog:  Space.

Head and Plot Lines

SHAKESPEARE ADMITS HE CAN'T SPELL

After the Battle of Dessert, a soldier gives birth to a pudding and struggles to raise it with no help from any spoons.

The night before the day after, a time traveler goes to the day after the night before, and discovers a calendar.

COUPLE CELEBRATES PASTEURIZED HONEYMOON.

To lose weight, a zombie eats only the brains of skinny people who love long sentences because it gives them a sense of living forever and ever and ever.

STUDY PROVES WEARING A BLINDFOLD GIVES NEW OUTLOOK ON LIFE

A man falls in love with a bathtub, and gives it a ring, while he struggles with society's views on mixed relationships.

GOD QUITS AS HEAD OF UNIVERSE AND ENDS UP IN A BLOG

Doors To Walls

That poor door at the Northern District Library, in Toronto, is a wall trapped in a door's form.  This door doesn't want to be a door.  It identifies as a wall.  It longs to be a wall.  But it must suffer because medicine has yet to perfect door-to-wall operations. This door can only act like a wall while it remains a door.

Doors wanting to be walls are common.  How many times have you seen this sign on doors in various buildings?

Builders must be more sensitive to the feelings of the doors they create.  If a door wants to be a wall, then make it a wall.  Doing so will save the door from suffering, and prevent it from going through its life wearing a silly sign.

It's All About Blue Monday

"Why did Blue Monday cross the road?"

"It was looking for a job?"

"No, it was following Sunday."

Blue Monday walked into a bar and the bartender said, "What will it be?"

And Blue Monday said, "Have you seen Sunday? I thought I saw it come in here."

"Yes," said the bartender.  "Sunday was here yesterday, but it left.  Now, what can I get you?"

"I'll have a beer, please," said Blue Monday, "but make sure that the glass is half empty."

"Why did Sunday cross the road?"

"Sunday?  But I thought it was all about Blue Monday."

"It is all about Blue Monday with a little digression. "So, why did Sunday cross the road?"

"I don't know."

"To go to the Church of Holy Chickens."

"How many Blue Mondays does it take to change a light bulb?"

"How many?"

"None.  Blue Mondays like the darkness."

"What's that?"
"It's darkness to end this blog."

"What a depressing ending."

"Hey, it's Blue Monday."

It's All About Knock-Knock Jokes

"Why did the knock-knock joke cross the road?"
"Why?"
"To see who was on the other side."



A knock-knock joke walked into a bar and the bartender said, "What will it be?"
And the knock-knock joke said, "Sorry, but the only question I know how to answer is 'Who's there?' "



"How many knock-knock jokes does it take to change a light bulb?"
"Who wants to know?"

"Knock.  Knock"

"Who's there?"

"Knock-Knock  Joke."

"Knock-knock Joke who?"

"Knock-knock Joke about a knock-knock joke that's not funny."

"What's the biggest threat to knock-knock jokes?"

"I don't know."

"Doorbells."

If someone tells a knock-knock joke in the forest, and no one is there to hear it, is the joke still funny?

"Knock.  Knock."

"Who's there?"

"Apple."

"Apple who?"

"Apple New Year!" 

It's All About Butter

Butter walked into a bar and the bartender said, "What will it be?"
"I'll have a beer, please," said Butter.
The bartender brought Butter a beer.  Butter drank the beer and started to leave.
"Wait a minute," said the bartender, "haven't you got anything funny to say to make this a joke?"
"No," replied Butter and left.



"Why did Butter cross the road?"
"I don't know."
"Fate."

"Knock.  Knock."

"Who's there?"

"Butter."

"Butter who?"

"Butter Me Up and I'll promote you."

Butter overheard talking on its cell phone:

"I'm spread kinda thin here, but I still think I can make a sandwich."

Butter's Lament:

"Alas, I have no plural."

"How much butter does it take to change a light bulb?"

"Salted, or unsalted?"

"Yes."

"I don't know.  How much butter does it take to change a light bulb?"

"Lots and lots of butter because butter makes a light bulb slippery."

Religious Fact:

There is no solid butter in Hell.

Is butternut a mental illness?

Is butterfly a slippery zipper?

Butter walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Are you going to say something funny to make this a joke?"

And Butter said, "Something funny to make this a joke.  Happy?  Now give me a beer before this blog ends."